Well, I'll share mine. My pregnancy with E was planned. I was very prepared. I did everything I was "supposed" to do to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I took my vitamins, ate leafy green vegetables and stayed active. If we are being honest, I had a few Oreo's too. I read blogs and books about caring for my baby, and how to teach them to sleep. You get the picture. I had an uneventful and healthy pregnancy.
Once we realized something was off with E, I spent a lot of time reflecting on myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong. How did my choices affect her development? Did I not do something I should have? Was I not as careful as I thought? The guilt that it was my fault was a really hard thing for me.
Then came Nugget. (Our 2nd daughter was affectionately called Nugget due to her body position of choice as a newborn. She just looked like a little tiny nugget:) E was in some occupational therapy and I was busy paying attention to her, not to the fact that I was having all the signs of pregnancy. I did all the wrong things. I didn't take my vitamins, and I even had a glass of wine with Thanksgiving dinner. I had no idea she was in there!!! Once I knew, I was 16 weeks and the critical brain development had already begun. I was sweating bullets!
Nugget is now 4 1/2 and a very typically developing child. She has been the most wonderful addition to our family. She is a sister and friend to E, and helps her develop socially in ways no one else can. But what she taught me the most is that what E has, who she is, is not my fault. I didn't do that to her. It is just the way she is made. That allowed me to find the beauty in E. The wonderful things about her are no longer clouded by my guilt, and I can see all the ways that Asperger's gives her special qualities. She has talents and flaws, just like everyone else. She may have struggles, but she is far from broken. That was all in my head. Guilt no longer drives me to fix her. Seeing her grow and change is motivation I need to continue to support her however she needs me to.